I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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