dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
