God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
