when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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