Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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