K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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