Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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