Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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