she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
