Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
