so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
