My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
