Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
