meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
