The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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