So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
