Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
