Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my shit smells like andre
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
