Your mouth is God's brothel.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
