There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
