I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
