I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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