Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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