well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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