the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
