guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
wat bout pragnant strippers??
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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