i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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