new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
