For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
