Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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