Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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