I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
