Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
