but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
