Will you blow on my dice?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
