when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
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I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
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Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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