Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
