Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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