allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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