Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
