I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
