seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize