Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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