your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
