I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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