I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
