Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
