textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
