Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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