i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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