I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
