If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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