Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
