Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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