your parents love me but you hate me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
